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October 5, 2012
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Mistakes by FablePaint Mistakes by FablePaint
One of those things I know I need to work on in the same vein as this comic

I have a problem where I assume any mistake I make will be greeted with anger, tears, and abandonment. This is because all mistakes I made growing up, no matter how slight, were treated in the same way. With anger, frustration, and weird threats of expulsion from family or attacks on my humanity. That became my internal dialogue, one I still live with.

Nowadays I can recognize this self-depreciation for what it is, but it doesn't keep the emotions at bay. Since this is my self-view and what I assumed everyone reacted like as a child, my gut reaction to any mistake is to think the other person is having a secret nervous breakdown. Which makes me freak out, thinking anger, frustration, and abandonment will come next.

The logical response, according to what I've been threatened with and my brain's negative assumptions about my own self-worth, is to simply leave everyone alone until my presence in their lives returns to zero. So that I needn't "inflict" myself on people and continually make them upset. Because that's how I view myself, as a hair's breadth away from causing a disaster at any given moment.

For those among Internetland, this isn't healthy behavior. If you think you're worthless, useless, a thing to be tossed aside once you commit some foul like milk gone bad, I want everyone to remember that is NOT normal. Whoever keeps telling you that you're not deserving of any relationship and that you should just remove yourself from the equation to prevent people from getting upset, they're WRONG.

Mistakes are for learning. They're not life ending. They teach you what's ok and not ok and normal people don't go into frothing tantrums if you don't say the right word at the right time. That's how you grow.

I'm currently in the process of getting help for my problems. I hope you guys also find help and reasonable people.
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:iconwhisperpntr:
whisperpntr Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012
Hey I know this is in october but this worries me hon!! :hug:

This is heartbreaking and I'm concerned now. But I'm soo soo happy though you reached out to us through art as I sure as hell did not see this side of you. I thought you were extremely confident and never ever saw this.

Thing is, I think a lot of people may feel or mistake you as the person on the left hand side. I view you as being quite logical and that you sometimes actually correct things that you know through your research is wrong. I never personally questioned you and instead thought that this was self assuring to not speak against you. :) I am therefore very very surprised that you feel this way. I hope I didn't contribute to your feeling this way as I really love your totally different way of arting and being! Just because I don't understand it completely doesn't mean it's bad or wrong. And someday you could explain to us what you like when doing this and the joy you had in creating it.

Anyways, I think a lot of us are intimidated by not only your talent but your intelligence. We don't function at the same level (I sure as hell don't because my brains were fried due to arting so damn much) and often times I do like the derpy cliche things because I need a break. Art is fun but I drive myself hard. Very hard and I'm really sleep deprived at times and just don't want to think too much.

I'm working on foundations now which are frankly put, very generic, very realistic and very DUH obvious. Why I'm working on it is because when I go into the industry I cannot afford to lose any audience from confusion via creatiity and wild designs. Only after the foundations are more solid can I push my designs. And sometimes I look at your art to get my artistic creative rocks off because some of the things I do may feel like watching paint dry. (who seriously wants to draw 30 spheres on tone paper?)

Anyways I'm again functioning off of little sleep but I want to make this clear that you are NOT worthless ok? I always thought you were extremely creative and that someday you would carve your own niche and style from what you're exploring.

I'm again so glad and happy you explained yourself through art. It's a common language and I now totally understand your true feelings and want to give you a big ol' hug. I wish I knew how you felt as I seriously thought you were happy and confident.
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:iconfablepaint:
FablePaint Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Professional Filmographer
Sometimes when I'm going through tough moments, I turn to art to communicate those thoughts better. Not only does it explain more, but it also explains a little less.
It looks kind of backwards, but I like the vagueness that artistic communication has sometimes. That you can read multiple interpretations into a piece and that those are often just as valid as the next.

It's not that anyone puts me down, it has more to do with internal struggles stemming from a background of emotional turmoil. I think, a lot. I overthink, I fill in the blanks where they needn't exist. And that can lead to paranoia and panic if I'm not occupying myself enough.

I'm seeing a psychologist now and got a dog to help stem the anxiety. I'm starting to better understand myself and my behavior patterns so that I can feel more confident all the time.

But yeah, I wear a mask. It's not something people generally see. It's a defensive thing, not "fake" but not something that shows all of who I am, despite how candid I seem. I'm never lying about anything and I'm fairly shameless about what I talk about, but you'll rarely find me discussing personal feelings on something or my childhood and thoughts on my family beyond a handful of obvious, easy to discuss topics (which have taken me a while to accept, Umbagog being a catharsis for some of that).

There's pretty much just two people that I trust with my emotions. It's taken me years to collect just those two.

The "confidence" is an accident of my speech pattern though. Yes, I'm incredibly ambitious and determined and plan out my career thoughtfully, but the way I talk doesn't actually reflect my emotional state. Blame autism, I guess. I only recently learned how to put inflection into my voice. The loud sharp talk is confused for bravado. Really, I just have trouble speaking differently :/ Words that come out of my mouth, intended as questions, sound like statements. And sometimes they are statements, confused for opinion or "fact". There's a lot of subtlety I'm learning. It's a slow, slow process.
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:iconpainfulelegy:
PainfulElegy Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I support this message in it's entirety. Things like this not only stifle one's ability to communicate with others, but also stifle one's creative ability as they either don't progress on their work or their work becomes very insular due to the lack of critique. It simply hurts all aspects of one's life, and should be worked to be resolved. It took me a while to suppress the condition myself, but I think it turned out for the best that I did.
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:iconcpereira:
CPereira Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2012  Professional Writer
My second grade teacher told me I was wrong when I said that I heard that dinosaurs were descendants of birds (my oldest brother had told me after reading about it). She said I was wrong and that dinosaurs were descendants of lizards like our book said and the class giggled at me. Nice lady, but I'm still kind of bitter about that. I was right, damn it! I was right about that one thing!

The one good thing that came out of that, though, is that I always check my facts after a student corrects me. There was one time where I had to come in the next day and say that I was wrong, but it felt good, because they didn't leave my class learning the wrong information. Sometimes you do just have to accept criticism as a way of making you a better person (rather than a nervous wreck or an overly defensive buttface, for example).
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:iconunconscious-science:
unconscious-science Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2012
This strip reminds me of when I was growing up, feeling absolutely worthless and stupid whenever a parental figure told me I was wrong (even when I had a grasp of what I was talking about). But at least there were some pleasant moments in-between.
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:iconnageena:
Nageena Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2012  Professional Filmographer
You're awesome :) Thank you for that.
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:iconbrain-is-abstract:
Brain-is-Abstract Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2012
I wish you the best.
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:iconcloudstar-wolf:
cloudstar-wolf Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2012   General Artist
I admire you for your bravery and admitting this, sharing it and getting help for it.

Hit close to home here as well, even though I know what it is and where it stems from. There are days where it just seems like nothing can help and it drowns you.
Thank you.
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:iconkubo:
kubo Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
wow.. well that hit close to home.
I'm happy your able to recognize this, especially as young as you are. That sounds like such an old person thing to say I know, but I feel like it took me so long to finally realize this sort of thing. <3
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:iconbunni89:
Bunni89 Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I know the feeling.. emotional abuse as a child can really mess you up like this T^T My dad used to hover over me when he made me clean, and nitpick every detail- it took me a long time to realise he kept changing the rules of what I was meant to do, as an excuse to start an argument, and I wasn't really as hopeless as it seemed.
Nowadays I still have a stupid tendancy of seeing the embarrassment from doing something wrong as the most soul crushing feeling ever and going to pieces just because i think people seeing me blushing will hate me even more because I'm 'crazy', so on.. its hard to get over it even when you know its a problem. Good luck to you and everyone else sympathizing with this, we'll get through it!
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